Papercut
by Phia the Ducati Chick
Summary: A songfic based around New Moon, but with a few changes to the story line. Bella and Edward, including P.O.Vs from both. Bittersweet.


This story is based around New Moon, but as you will see there are parts that I have changed, e.g. the months thing, as I couldn't remember the timeline properly. Another quick note, this is actually a songfic, and lyrics from the song are in _italics. _The song is Papercut by Jordin Sparks, and was chosen for obvious reasons. This is my first story in at least a year, so it would be great to get your feedback as I wasn't a little uncertain with how it's turned out, Phia ~x~

Bella's POV

October

"_I'm ok" _I whisper to myself as I sit in the truck staring out at the rain. The weather seemed to match my mood more and more as the winter months started. I took a deep breath and opened the door, trying to feel ready for the inquisition ahead of me. Today is the first day; the first day is always the hardest right? At least that's what they say; at the moment it just feels like every day is the first day. But today was the first day that Charlie had put his foot down and told me to go to school. Up until today I'd got away with lying curled up in bed not talking to anyone, and not having to pretend that I was ok. Stepping out into the rain I let out the breath I was holding when I saw that nobody was there waiting to talk to me. I hurried across the parking lot to my first lesson.

"Hey Bella! How are you doing?" Jess asked in her annoyingly over-cheerful voice. I put on the false smile that I had been practicing in the mirror before I left.

"Hey Jess, _I'm ok_ thanks." At which point the class started and I breathed a sigh of relief as I'd escaped further questioning.

Classes passed slowly and throughout the day nobody asked me more than if I was ok. It irritated me. It was at lunch that I felt a little bit of my guard fall. I went to sit down with everyone, just like I normally would, minus one person of course.

"Hey Bella, you ok?" Mike asked. Poor Mike, he always received the brunt of my irritation.

"Yeah, just _don't keep asking me I might disintegrate_, I don't really want to be reminded, ok guys?" At which point I turned around and decided to go and sit on my own, at least I wouldn't have to put up with all the sympathetic looks if I was by myself.

So that's how I spent my days, avoiding as much human contact as possible, I felt ghost-like the majority of the time, but it was oddly comforting. It reminded me of him, because that's all he was now, a ghost haunting me; at least we could finally be the same.

It was the first dream that scared me the most. He was in it. That wasn't an odd occurrence, he was always in my dreams, and I liked to think he was protecting me still by staying with me even in the smallest of ways. But this one was different, I was different and so was he. He was begging for me to take him back, something that I would have given the world for. But in this dream that's not how I felt. "_What do you want?"_ My dream self asked him "_I've moved on. Everything is going well. _Why don't you just leave me alone?!" At which point I woke up hating myself. There's no way I would ever want to move on, I mean how do you move on from the best thing that ever happened to you? Although there was one truth at least everything is going well, considering the situation anyway. _At least that's what I tell myself_. Deep inside I knew I could be a lot better. But... time heals, right?

* * *

November

It was movie night with Jake tonight, we'd become pretty good buddies, and hopefully it would stay that way. He'd asked me to pick a movie up on my way over, my choice. I didn't really want to watch any movie so I just picked a random one up from the video store without even looking at it. I handed it over to him when we got inside and he stared up at me in disgust.

"The Wizard of Oz? Bella please tell me this is a joke, you're not really going to make me sit and watch this are you?" Crap, was that really what I'd picked up? I didn't even like The Wizard of Oz.

"Sorry," I said with a sheepish smile, "I guess I wasn't paying much attention." I said as I walked over to the old couch and made myself comfortable, conveniently placed as far away from the popcorn as possible.

"I'll say. But I suppose we've got nothing else to watch, so we might as well make do." He said as he slipped the disc into the player. "Promise me I get to choose next time though?" He asked as he sat down beside me. I glanced at him and nodded briefly before moving my eyes to the screen. If I focused on the screen intently then I wouldn't let any thoughts slip out about the movie nights I used to have. With him. They were so very, very different to these. But I wouldn't think about it.

"Well, I suppose that wasn't too bad, although please don't pick anything like it again!" Jacob pleaded me after the movie. I'd relaxed a bit by now and hit him with the cushion making him shut up. "It wasn't as bad as the movie you made us watch last week!" I replied and earned a hit from the cushion as a result. The rest of the evening passed quickly and before I knew it I had to be leaving.

"I'm sorry, you know what Charlie's like at the moment, it's a wonder he hasn't got me on suicide watch, or maybe he has, I don't know." I half-joked as I headed towards the door. Jacob smiled in response and gave me a hug before I left.

That night I couldn't sleep, I tossed and turned, opened my eyes and closed them but sleep just would not come to me. The hole in my chest just would not let up. I tried to take my mind off the hole by thinking about the movie that we'd watched earlier on. Their problems seemed so small, I mean who really needs courage, and you can find a home anywhere, and intelligence can be way overrated. Of all the characters _I wish I was the tin man, so I wouldn't have a heart to break_. It would make this a lot easier, and maybe it wouldn't hurt anywhere near as much.  
I gave up on that trail of thought; apparently that wasn't keeping my mind away from him either. Instead I decided to trick myself into going to sleep by lying enough to ease the pain.

_I'm ok_ I thought breathing deeply. _I'll survive_ I thought as I let the deep breath out, and when I thought about it I'd already got this far, it couldn't get any worse. _I only think about you half of the time_. Admittedly the other half was thinking about how not to think about him, but anyway positive thinking I thought while letting a single tear fall down my cheek. _All these tears are just drops in the ocean. _The ocean. That was a calming thought, the sound of the waves and the feel of the breeze, the feel of the sand. See _you barely even cross my mind_. I smiled to fight back the tears. _And it doesn't hurt that much_. I feel the barrier fall down, darn it that wasn't the plan, I was supposed to be making myself feel better not worse!  
The words that I did nothing but repeat in the first few weeks flooded back to me. _It was only a papercut_. A papercut! Why did everything have to go so wrong just because I was being a klutz? The words haunted me as I allowed myself to think back to that evening. "_It's only a papercut_" I murmured to him as I held my finger up and feeling the room go into slow motion. I could see the flash in Jasper's eyes, the deep breath he took filling his nostrils with the scent of my blood, the tense in his muscles, the flash of recognition in Edward's eyes and the feel of him pushing me back and smashing me into glass. Jasper getting ready to pounce on me. Fast forward to the forest, his eyes boring into me trying to convey a message that I was sure was telling me he didn't want me anymore, apart from the tiniest of flecks that had kept me awake night after night wondering what it could be. He left because of a papercut.  
I felt the tiny ridge on my skin which had ruined my life. _I forget that it's there _most of the time, but every now and then I remember. I thought to the last time I'd seen the beautiful god-like face. It was the motorcycle incident when I had my first hallucination of him. I rev the motorcycle, but _you keep calling and calling_, but I can't understand for the life of me why, _you don't care_. That's why you left, isn't it? If you cared you wouldn't stay away, you'd be here with me right now, kissing my hair and telling me that you would never leave me. You have no idea _how it burns _do you? I thought as I drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Edwards POV

You don't know _how it stings_. I knew it would be excruciatingly hard and painful to be away from her, but I never knew it would be this bad. It feels like life just isn't worth living without her by my side. She probably thinks I'm fine, enjoying life without her, but _just cause you can't see it bleed doesn't mean it don't go deep_. She couldn't see me at all, and after the way I left, why would she? I didn't want to see myself right now either. But I saw her. All the time, I would try to read my family's thoughts in case they had secretly heard from her, I saw her face everywhere, and whenever I switched off her face, her smell, her body, her voice, everything about her flooded through my senses.

Before Bella I questioned Carlisle once about whether he thought we still had a heart. Obviously physically we did, but in my mind the heart was always the centre of the soul, and seeing as we lost our souls when we became what we are I had to wonder. He believed that we did. And I know she would agree. I was starting to come around to the same thinking because how can a heart break if there is no heart? So there must be one in me.

I took a deep breath and looked at the clock, it would be 2am in Forks, I wondered if she was sleeping peacefully or whether she spent her nights how I spent mine. It was at that moment that I felt a spark on my skin. I had no idea what it was or where it came from, but with it came the strangest line. _I wish I was the tin man, so I wouldn't have a heart to break_. It was certainly appropriate, but I had no idea where the thought came from. I hadn't watched The Wizard of Oz since it was first released, and then I only watched it as a way to pass the time. So why would I think of the tin man now? I shrugged it off and returned my thoughts to trying to remember every detail of her existence.

As I zoned out I heard the faint sound of words being whispered into the night, like they were from a great distance, farther than I should be able to hear. But while they were faint, they were still incredibly clear. As if whispered from an angel far away. _I'm ok, I'll survive_. My lips curved the tiniest bit, I thought those words often enough myself, trying to tell myself it was the right decision. _I only think about you half of the time. _Well, that wasn't true, I thought of her all the time. Day and night. _All these tears are just drops in the ocean, baby, you barely even cross my mind. _It then occurred to me that maybe it was an angel whispering, my angel, maybe I was hearing these words because she wanted me to. She was finally moving on and she wanted me to know. _I'll be just fine. No it doesn't hurt that much...._ Yes, it must be, Bella, she wanted to let me know. My heart sank through my shoes. She didn't want me anymore. She'd moved on just like I wanted her to. She believed that I no longer cared, just like I had tried to convince her. And then one sentence broke that thought, a final whisper on the wind that echoed making sure I heard. _It was only a papercut; it's only a papercut, papercut_. Oh. I strained my hearing even more to see if I could catch anymore but there was nothing. _The more I give, the less I get._ I thought to myself. I shook my head firmly, trying to disperse the thoughts gathering in my head. I'd imagined the papercut bit. It was a figment of my imagination because I so desperately sought some sign that told me she wanted me back. Because she didn't. And I'd never forgive myself for it.

* * *

Bella POV

I woke up annoyed with myself again. After a second or two of waking up more I found I was more than annoyed today. I was angry. I had these days where I just wanted to punch everything in sight, and scream and shout until it didn't hurt anymore. I let out a sound of frustration. "_Sometimes I wish that we never met!_" I shouted to the air, not worrying about Charlie as he would have already left by this hour. I grabbed a pillow to punch in hope that it would make me feel better. "_'Cause I was fine till you broke through!_" I shouted again, relishing the feel of the anger and pain coming out with the words. "_But don't worry baby_" I spat the words out. "_I'll get over you_" I shouted as I thumped the pillow one last time before sinking to the floor. "_By tomorrow_" I whispered as tears fell down. "_Or the next, or the next day, or the next day_." I promised myself. "One day I'll get over him, I swear. But until then I'll tell myself _I'm ok_ and that _I'll be fine_ and tell myself _I only think about you half the time_. And I'll tell myself again that _I'm ok_ and that _I'll survive_ because _I only think about you half the time _and _all those tears, were just drops in the ocean, baby _and you _never even cross my mind_ and I'll be able to face you one day and say _boy you wish it hurt that much_ but to me _it was only a papercut_."

"I hope you don't." A gentle voice whispered behind me as I felt cold hands on my shoulders.


End file.
